This post is a response to a post a friend shared on Instagram. You can read that post for context.
Dear Mormon parents of LGBTQ+ children,
This is not and has never been about you. Your efforts to center yourselves in the conversations surrounding LGBTQ+ individuals is not allyship. You are not entitled to forgiveness because you chose to say stupid or unkind things to the children you chose to create.
It should not be the responsibility of your LGBTQ+ children to educate you and change your heart. That burden is an unfair burden to place on your child, when there are resources out there to educate yourself. You might have to look for resources outside of LDS Church, because those resources share one story: celibacy and continued worship in the faith. That is not the experience of every LGBTQ+ child who is raised in your faith, and if you don't know the other possibilities for your children, it is not your child's job to teach you. It is your job to learn for yourself.
Your children have ingested, internalized, and punished themselves over the doctrines that are taught in your church. They have heard as far back as they can remember that they are flawed. They have heard you speak against their identities and their rights to live an honest life. You have expected, and often demanded that your children educate themselves about your beliefs. In the post I'm responding to, you even point out that your children have learned about the armor of God since primary. From the time your LGBTQ+ children could speak, you expected them to educate themselves about your lifestyle. The least you can do is do the work to educate yourselves about the challenges and hardships that your children will face. It is unfair and wrong to expect your children to educate you, particularly when your initial responses to your children coming out was unkind. Get outside of your comfort zone and educate yourselves. If you choose not to, the clear message that you are sending is that your comfort matters more to you than your own child's safety and identity. That is not love.
You make an argument that you cannot help but say stupid things when your children come out to you. It is one of the central issues that I have with everything that you have said. Why does your own child have to come out to you before you start viewing LGBTQ+ individuals as humans? I assume it has something to do with the innate hierarchy taught in the LDS Church. There are so many ways that the LDS Church teaches that some people are just better than others: Kingdoms of Glory, missionaries seeking out the elect, the righteous vs. the wicked, Nephites vs. Lamanites, "God's chosen people," "Chosen generation," etc. The idea that God plays favorites is such a dominant part of the church that it is easy to understand why you have decided to just accept the "misconceptions." Allyship is about exploring and challenging those misconceptions of superiority that are regularly taught in your congregations.
It is great that you are using your voice and your platform to preach love. Love also looks like educating yourself. Love looks like apologizing without making it about yourself or your religion (which has been responsible for violence and abuse against your LGBTQ+ children). Love looks like being aware of where your money goes politically and religiously and actively making choices to fund institutions that will protect your children rather than harm them. Love looks like allowing your children to leave their abuser without guilt-tripping and shaming, if that's what your child decides to do.
It is heartbreaking that the standards are so low for LDS parents of LGBTQ+ children. Choosing to say "we love you anyway," choosing to not kick your child out of your home, and choosing to attend a wedding are incredibly low bars to set. Your LGBTQ+ children are under attack from your church leaders, from your politicians, and from your ward members. An apology that centers you is not, and never will be, enough.
This is not about you. This is about your children who are paying attention to your actions and your words. They did not choose to be born, but you chose to create them.