Are you a gay man dealing with shame? Do you know/love/want to support/want to understand a gay man who is dealing with shame? This is the book you should probably read.
Alan Downs has dedicated his career to helping gay men process and heal from the systemic shame placed upon gay men. In this book, he explains the three major stages of shame that most gay men experience, and explains how gay men can move through these stages into a life of authenticity and self-love. Downs deals in fairly broad generalizations throughout The Velvet Rage (there's some stuff about father issues that I can't relate to and some stuff about being hung up on your first male love for years that I can relate to that are based more in generalization, but that Downs treats as factual experiences for gay men). If these aren't your experiences, it can be challenging to appreciate the work that Downs has done. When we deal in generalizations, we tend to erase the individual identities of real people, which makes self-help books a tricky genre. However, Downs works to include the stories of individuals throughout The Velvet Rage in an effort to step back from broad generalizations and create a book that is validating and understanding.
I recently lent this book to my mother to read, which was hard, since this book talks openly about sexuality. However, she pointed out that it has helped her find ways to feel more connected with me, since she has had to overcome shame in her own life. While there are differences in personal shame and systemic shame, I appreciate that this is a tool to foster a sense of understanding, so long as with that understanding, there are also conversations with individuals about how their experience might line up with or differ from the points that Downs talks about.
Even with the risk that comes with dealing in generalizations, I recommend The Velvet Rage for any gay man coming to terms with their identity.